The life and times of Brendan X|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Tuesday, September 21st, 2010|
So! I have decided that I do need to do a bit more self evaluation. It should allow me to relieve some stress that may be interfering with me running my business the way I want to run it. I am also hoping that it helps me keep my calm in situations where I may feel wronged or frustrated but that should definitely be meet with a cool head.
I've noticed myself just being in a bad mood a bit more often then I am used to lately. I have thought about what the cause for these moods can be, and sure there are surface level things that may act as a trigger, but the root cause keeps slipping through my grasp.
I haven't been meditating lately, and I haven't been sleeping as much, so lack of sleep could definitely be a factor. I also wasn't going to the gym, so perhaps the fact that my body had built up a level of testosterone that exceeded what would normally be needed for my day to day without the gym, has also played a factor.
I dislike, especially in my own head, making up excuses for my actions. Blaming it on a lack of sleep or not having been to the gym in a few weeks sounds like a cop out. I like to be in control of my actions; the boss of my own head. I do not like the idea of some outside influence (even if it's something I have brought on myself) having an effect on my emotional state and calm.
Sometimes I just get so frustrated it's like I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I have to expel that frustration somehow. I'm back at the gym, and I am sure that will help in some way. There have been times in my life where I have felt like Mark Walberg's character in 'The Big Hit'.
I want to find positive ways to deal with my emotions and my frustration. I think that writing is definitely one of them. I already feel better, having written this. It is slowly draining the stress out of me. I feel like that with meditation. The first time I meditate I can feel as though some of what I was trying to get rid of is gone. And I realize, at that point, that I will need to meditate regularly to keep dropping the levels.
I think the same will go for writing here. The more I do it, the more I am sure, my thoughts will steer away from things that are stressing me out. That would be natural as I would have already addressed and expelled the build-up.
I wonder if my choice of diet is having an effect on me? I have put a self imposed ban on pretty much all the foods I really like, because me really liking a food usually means that it is killing me slowly. That adds a level of annoyance with myself every time I don't order wings, or corn dogs or even pizza. I have never put much thought into food being something that brings me happiness. I love to eat, when I am hungry, and delicious food is definitely delicious, but perhaps it also acts as a way for me to vent. It may act as a way of rewarding myself.
I love to indulge. I was poor growing up and I didn't have much. My parents did the best they could to give my brother, my sister and I the things we wanted, but in reality, growing up in Newton, surrounded by the children of some of the richest people in the country, has left it's mark on me. I love to spend money and I love to feel that rush. I love to gamble. Oh, do I love to gamble. I try to keep myself on a tight leash with that, because I could definitely see myself having a problem if I let myself lose control.
Okay, that's enough for today I think. I am not going to re-read this for awhile. I have not edited it at all, except for spelling mistakes Firefox pointed out. It's all stream of consciousness, which is exactly what I think I need to acknowledge.
|Friday, September 17th, 2010|
I'm in a somewhat shitty mood. I dislike self evaluation, and putting to much thought into my day to day life. I can imagine a hundred different scenarios with a thousand possible outcomes for a million different things that happen to me each day. That's just a waste of time. Why should I bother analyzing everything? That is going to get me nothing but stress and a bucket full of wasted fucking time.
Sometimes I get in these introspective moods where I begin to analyze things that just don't need to be analyzed. I do it because my past experiences have led me to believe that if I don't look at every angle, if I am not suspicious of the motivation behind someones actions, that I run the risk of being lied too, hurt, or misled.
However, I am a firm believer in the idea that if you look hard enough for a problem you will definitely find one. So to hell with that, why do I need to dig around for problems? If they are big enough and important enough, they will surely come to me and then can be dealt with.
This sounds a bit like procrastination to me though. Should I not be more proactive when it comes to solving small problems before they become large ones? Addressing situations that could turn into problems before they have time to bud?
Perhaps. Perhaps I should put more thought into what goes on in my life on a daily basis. Meditation works well for clearing my head, but maybe I should do the reverse. Perhaps I should force myself to examine things. I shouldn't be afraid of what I might find. Ignorance might be bliss, but bliss is as fleeting as sand in an hourglass.
That brings us right back around to the idea that if you look hard enough in any situation, you'll find something to be unhappy about. I prefer happiness to drab, depressed, angry and stressed.
|Tuesday, April 13th, 2010|
So I do web design and development
now. I've been running my company Storm Code for several years. Things are going well. It's been an uphill battle, trying to undercut India's low pricing, but the more clients we get, the pickier we can be and the more we can charge. We still charge a third of what other Boston based web design companies charge.
We have a lot of great clients, and we're continuing to add new ones everyday. We do straight up design work for small businesses that just need a website to showcase their products, services, or to get a web presence. We do Search Engine Optimization for local and global businesses. We also focus a lot of our efforts on development work in PHP and MySQL.
|Sunday, December 18th, 2005|
|Anything except studying
So I've tried playing Sindome, I've tried watching TV (Not football as usual for Sundays because the Patriots played yesterday). I've invited friends over, I've talked to friends on the internet, I've smoked all my cigarettes, I've started smoking JM's cigarettes, I've not gotten drunk (because I have to wake up so early) I've eaten a bowl of raviolis, I've eaten some sort of chex mix that someone made that has penut butter on it, I've sent text messages, I've talked on the phone, I've watched more TV, I've surfed the net for random things, I've read other peoples Journals, I've gone onto MySpace, I've played with iTunes, and my new iPod, I've put up with JM telling me to fuck my final and drink..
And I still haven't done any studying! I go boy. I don't need too study! Forget studying! I am teh smart. Current Mood: accomplished
|Sunday, December 11th, 2005|
I feel like shit right now, I hate fucking feeling like this. Well, I feel better then I felt before I took a shower, but still not feelings aces, so I figured I would write it down and maybe that will liberate me. I don't know exactly why I feel like spoiled milk, I think it's because I'm lonely. JM is in Chi-Town, and as much as we can get on each others nerves when we see each other everyday, I think were both used to seeing each other on the regular at this point. So he's not here, and there's Niki who I haven't spoken too all week, because I called her and she hasn't called me back, and I'm not going to pressure her to talk to me, I don't wanna talk to her if she doesn't want to talk to me, you know what I mean?
Usually I feel like this is September when everyone leaves for school and I'm stuck here doing nothing. (Even though I'm going to school now). But since JM is done with school, we've been hanging out all the time, even though hanging out usually means that I play computer and he watches TV. So, now he's gone for two weeks that lonely I have no friends at the moment thang is settin' in and it's fucking sucky. Rafa was down here last night and I went and hung out with him at the bar for awhile, (kareoke!) but I have a huge fucking project due today and I knew if I stayed out I would end up getting smashed and have to drive home drunk, which I'm not a fan of. Plus, there's the whole not getting up when I should to do the project. It's not like I went to bed at the time I had planned on anyway, thanks to certain people though. *grins*
Hmm, I do feel a bit better now so I thinks I'll keep writing. Maybe it's also the thought of having to do this project thats making me feel like crap, but I'm pretty sure its feeling like I'm alone thats doing the most. I also have a sore fucking thumb from shoveling snow and it might be infected which bullshit because it had a tiny little scrape on it, where could th bacteria have entered, can someone tell me?
So I'm watching the Patriots and writing this when I should be writing MS ACESS Databases. Arr, I should post this and get done with what I needs to get done. Current Mood: blah
|Friday, December 9th, 2005|
So, I sucked it up and hooked up all my recording equipment today. The vocal processor, the pre-amp for my condenser microphone, the mic itself, mic stand, head phones.. etc. The people that were fixing my house took the door off my recording booth (that I built into my closet by putting up a new wall) so i had to put it back on. The problem was that I had a plain wooden floor in the closet before, and now I have carpet, so the door did not want to go back on because the carpet adds an inch or two to the floor.
So I had to bust out the bow saw and take the door to wood shop class. I ended up using the box for my JL Audio 12inch sub-woofers (that usually are in whatever car I drive) as a stand to hold up the door, and I sawed the fuck out of the thing for like ten minutes. It was actually a lot easier then I thought. Then I had my dad, who had to tear himself away for Ages of Empire (online combat sim) run in and put the pins back into the door hinges while I held the door up. That proved harder then we had initialy thought, as we put the bottom hinge on second, and it didn't want to go in, so we had to put that one on first, and then the top. It took about 20 minutes because Dad had too keep running back to his game while I sat there sweating holding the effing door so the hinge wouldn't break off (because at this point we had one hinge on and letting it go would have torn the hinge off).
So with the door back on, I ran the wire for the mic through the hole I had drilled in the wall (back in Feb 03) and then the cord for the headphones, and then hooked it all up proper and now its working (i think). It's nice to have that back up, that was a major step in moving back into my house. I don't know why I haven't done it before now, I think it was because I thought it was going to take a lot longer.. the sawing was definitely the hardest part (and the vacuuming after) but that really wasn't all that bad either. I thought hooking up the wires would be a lot harder, but when I packed it all up.. I just left everything connected so it was a matter of hooking the wires to the computer and plugging things into electrical stuff.
I got the fourth season of 24 today. For $57 after taxes. Not bad. I think I'm going to head down to Rafa's school tomorrow and pick him up, he would have come down with his friends tonight but it snowed (6-8 inches) which doesn't seem like a lot until you have to shovel out your walkway + driveway AND your neighbors walkway plus driveway, and re-shovel the end of your driveway when the fucking snowplow man drives by and smashing a bunch of snow right in front of it at the EXACT moment that you say to yourself, 'Jesus, that was tough but I'm FINALLY done.'
I shake my fist at you snowplow driver man, you are going to go to HELL for what you have done to me. My neighbor that I shovel snow for is cool though, he just retired from being a sports writer for the big newspaper in Boston. He's cool as hell. After the fire he gave me his (almost) new bed because he has back problems and got one of those posturepeidic beds you see the commercials for on late night TV. He gave me a liquor cabinet/bedside table thing as well, and has given me THREE separate stereos (worth over $1000 total easily) the last one being a component system with surround sound speaks, 5 disc changer, tuner/input thingy, and a sub woofer.
The latest thing he has given me is a big ass 31 inch TV, because he got a new high-def wide-screen one. This ones awesome though, much bigger then the one I had (which was an RCA). Speaking of my OLD TV. The RCA TV had no RCA output or inputs (thats the yellow, white and red cords), this is a TV -made- by the fucking company that standardized that kind of connection. Go figure.
I just drank some Mountain Dew, it's making me stir crazy because it has a lot of effing caffeine in it. I dislike loads of caffeine but I deal with it because I like mountain dew. *looks over at newly reconstructed sound booth* Yes, it has been a good night though. Current Mood: dirty
|Wednesday, December 7th, 2005|
|Writing because I am told too.
It's really not all that bad, being told to write. I'm not thinking about the pressure. That could be because I'm still laughing at Miss Jessi's interests though. Mom wants me to compile a list of things I want for Christmas. I told her money, but she didn't accept that as a realistic present. We still get presents from 'Santa' even though my youngest sibling is 18.
Really though, Money. Clothes would be nice too, as I can always use more clothes. I need too put up a thing in my closet so I can hang up my dress shirts. The problem is that the pole is in my car, and my car is outside, and its fucking freezing outside. Also, my room is a mess and I need to clean it. That includes getting a bookcase to put away all my books and stuff that are on the floor. Also I need to do laundry. Apparently you -can- put all the clothes in the washing machine at the same time, it's just not recommended.
I had a bookcase before my house caught on fire. It's gone now though. My dad likes to ask me stupid questions sometimes. Like, "Are you working tonight?", "Yes.", "How are you getting there, then?". I have a car. It's my sisters, but she's at school. How the hell else would I be getting to work, why does he ask me these questions.
Yeah, that was me bitching for a minute. It had too be done. Work should be fun tonight, I've got a new book to read. I'm working at the Gym, so basically I just sit there and watch various groups of quasi-gang members play basketball and try and stop people from sneaking in. (Which I don't bother with most of the time.) There are supposed to be two other people working with me in the Gym, but they don't show up on Wednesdays because I got them both jobs at my other work, Papa Gino's.
So, there both on the schedule at both places, and in fact, so am I. But I tell my boss, 'You pay me less, and I have to do more.' and he says, 'Please?', and I say, 'Raise?', and he says, 'I'll try.' and I say, 'I'll try and come in though, but don't fucking count on it.', and then he finds someone else to close the restaurant.
I think this post is probably the soonest post following another post I have ever made since 2001. In that, I mean that I usually go 6-18 months in between posting things, as I said before in a post. I have one friend still left from when I started this thing.. the rest have lines through them. What does it mean when there is a line through them? Does it mean that there account hasn't been active in awhile, or that there account is gone?
I've been really stressed out lately, but meditation has been helping. Gotta confront whats causing the stress in my head, instead of dodging it like bullets fired from a sub machine gun, because eventually your going to get tired and the bullets are going to start hitting you.. and then you will die. Or at least have a nervous break-down which includes massive anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere and ruin your week.
If you haven't seen the movie 'The Boondock Saints' then your missing out and you should see it before you are serial crushed by some huge friggin' guy. Current Mood: chipper
|Thursday, November 10th, 2005|
Hmm, I haven't posted on here in a long time. It's really just something I look at when I google myself. As too people I have had SEX with, which seems to be the only thing I post on here, I shall not post the revised list. If in 20 years I can't remember who I had sex with, then I should be ashamed and go out and have sex with new people so I can make a new list.
I'm in school, but not at this moment. At MassBay, a two year school that I have been taking classes at for going on five years. I like too take my time with things, make sure I do them right. I'm taking my time with school because I think it's important (for real) and I think I should only take three classes a semester (even though thats fulltime as there 4 credits each and fulltime is 12 credits). </sarcasm>
I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up, which is tough, since I am grown up. (22). A programmer maybe, but I'm not sure in what language. But there isn't all that much room too move up in programming I don't think. But you can get a good starting salary. I'd like to make over 100,000 a year, because that would be aces. I also want to work at a job where I enjoy working and can sit on the computer and relax and send e-mails and talk on AIM. Tech support would be good for this and it pays decently well, or network manager since you need too be at your computer much of the time, or at someone elses computer and alot of it is waiting for problems too happen.
I wouldn't mind being the all around tech guy at a small company, if they paid me like 80k a year. I could do a good job at that since I'm smart and good at problem solving. Plus I actually enjoy stuff like that so it could all work out and I would be paid and smart and happy.
I tend to pick up speach patterns over time. This is not how I would normaly type or talk. I would normaly be like, yo this shit is wack i need more cash, like a hundred k large grand dadddy what what, come on now, gimmie da job or i'll katana death slash your ass into fifteen peices and eat your brain like the akalumpa (a brain eating organism i made up in my head).
But alas, I'm talking and typing the way I'm talking and typing and nothing is going to change that. If you have a problem, or a question, write it down and then throw away the peice of paper and kill yourself. Hmm, should I change my mood thing to 'Angry'? NO because i'm not angry, your the one who's angry. I'm just being comedic and your being interpretational and thinking I'm angry but you should have asked instead of assuming because now your wrong and I'm still comedic which is not angry.
Are you laughing? You should be. I could be a stand-up comedian. I'd tell jokes like, 'I was walking down the street today, with my katana..' and that would be funny. Then I would follow it up with something like, 'Some kids shot at me with a bebe gun on halloween (they didnt i'm making this up) so I threw a ninja star into there tire and they crashed. They didn't die though, well not from the crash atleast it wasn't until I decapitated them that they died which is sad because they didn't actualy hit me with the bebe guns and now there dead. Sucks for them, never mess with a street samarui.'
I may not have spelled samarui right, which is also sad. I am horrible at this spelling thing and I hope it dies along with those kids and there bebe guns. I wonder how many words I'm typing per minute here.. Oh man, I'm so lucky. I just clicked a link to myspace in my e-mail and it sent this browser window there and I was like FUCK i'm going to lose everything I just typed (which seems to be happening alot latly fucking webased outlook) but it's all still here as you can see.
I love you all (You might think this is a weird statement and that I must be filled with joy, but since no one reads this but me.. its actually a healthy thought. Well, one person might read this, HI!.)
Out. Current Mood: creative